


laissez-moi voir l'aube.

by Laeana



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Advice, Angst, Best Friends, Blood and Injury, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Forbidden Love, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Probably Unrequited Love, References to Depression, Side Story, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:21:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23706037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: he's not fine, he's definitely not fine but that's okay.a countdown in his head.not for very long.again twelve days.he never knew love could be so painful.
Relationships: Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen, Pierre Gasly/Charles Leclerc
Comments: 7
Kudos: 19





	laissez-moi voir l'aube.

> " **Sur cette plage se meurent mes derniers espoirs**
> 
> **Et malheureusement, je disparais avec eux**
> 
> **Ces regrets, ces souvenirs dans ma mémoire**
> 
> **Me font vouloir voir l'aube, rester encore un peu** "

* * *

“And what do you think of those lilas ?” asks Charles while giving him a lovely damn smile.

“It is an unusual choice but why not?”

nothing, Charles, nothing. is what he really wants to say. He thinks nothing of it, he will never think anything of it.

He spent the last days in the most miserable state he has ever been when he realized his love will not disappear.

Not like every freaking time. 

It’s just here, beating in his chest, alongside his heart and it tears him apart to see Charles so happy and engaged to Max.

Goddamnit. Such an egoistic person right? Can’t he be happy for his loved one ? At least act as you should, as the best friend you are - because you never have been nothing more.

And after all these years spent with Charles he thought the monegasque would understand him. What a joke. Love makes you blind you know. Even when it comes about the people around you, apparently.

It doesn’t disappear. But that’s okay he planned everything. He feels like he doesn’t have much worth. If, before, Charles used to spend his nights with him, taking care of his insecurities, he wasn’t there anymore and they have gained ground in his troubled mind.

Good actor. Maybe the only thing he ever learned to do from the moment Charles began to date Max. Looking happy, flustered, annoyed, smiling ... automatically. He quickly grew tired of all those clichés. The friendship that turns out to be love, please, he thinks he deserves more than that.

For once, he’ll accept to be the one doing drama. 

Again, twelve days of painful and unbearable existence and he will finally be able to rest. A shame he will not even assist to the lovely wedding Leclerc-Verstappen.

i think nothing of those lilas, Charles, and to be honest I don’t fucking care. all I want to do now is to dive a knife in my throat - deeply - and coloring those flowers of red, red everywhere, and disappear. Away, far away from you.

* * *

“you are okay, at least ?” and that’s seb who is questioning him now.

no, no i’m not, he almost lets out. i barely slept, caught between nightmares and insomnia, i’m at the worst.

sebastian analyzes him from head to toes and he feels uneasy. Finally choosing disbelief, he raises an eyebrow, leaving all the sorrow this fantastic little party the fiancés threw up before their official wedding created in him behind.

“okay ? why will I not be ? I mean we’re celebrating Charles’s wedding, it’s a pleasant event.”

“i don’t know. I just thought you shouldn’t look so happy. I thought you loved him.”

the surprise’s big. even his mask trembles. his emotions are not steady. those two blue eyes seem so understanding he has difficulties not to be honest.

“i still do. and what a surprise, the feelings weren’t mutual. i stand no chances after all against the pretty and successful Max Verstappen.”

“don’t bury a love in your heart, his ghost would rotten your life.”

“thanks but I think it’s too late.”

he needs to cut off this conversation. he’s leaving too much clues behind him. Not good. he is having troubles to stay calm, to resist to the idea of getting up and leaving the room quickly.

“why don’t you tell him ?”

“do i need to waste his wedding ? I do not worth such a thing.”

“when did you start ... having such thoughts about yourself?”

“but that’s what everyone expected me to do right? keeping my head down, staying still and silent. so will I. until the very end of it.”

And once again that’s ironic - the whole conversation is only bitterness and irony - but he will not see the apogee of the happiness of his best friend. His wedding. He will not see any of it. 

To be honest, he’s only relieved not to have to. He thinks he couldn’t have handle it all alone. He stood a lot of things by his own but that ... that is not even possible.

“at first I thought it was honorable but isn’t it selfish in itself? you bear all the suffering by yourself without letting anyone know that. you might regret it.”

not for very long at least. he frowns, feeling exhausted suddenly.

“think what you want.”

this is frustrating how you’re fucking right about everything. i’m not okay, I barely slept and the few hours, minutes, seconds, i don’t know, I had made me cry when I woke up because I dreamed of a thing who will never happen. I dreamed I loved Charles and I dreamed he loved me back.

and then he puts a lovely smile on his face and goes talking to Charles and Max, giving them congratulations again.

* * *

“are you masochist, Pear ?”

probably, yes, he thinks, point blank. after all i am going through, I must like pain, even only a bit.

he stares for the umpteenth time at the costume Charles will wear, because his friend absolutely wanted his thoughts about it, and then offers a not very impressed look at Daniel’s glacial behavior.

“for ?”

“you agreed to be his best man when you love him ! you could have say no, you could have found any excuse who would justify the fact you wouldn’t have to do that.”

Did Sebastian talk ? it’s a real question that crosses his mind. because, welp, he would have prefer this to stay between us. he can’t have everything obviously.

“but I am his best friend, Daniel. i will always be. I can’t just leave him when he needs me.”

“dang.”

“and who are you to teach me a lesson ? I saw how you looked at Max.”

the aussie freezes and he knows he’s right. there we go. a wedding that makes more of sad people than happy people, what kind of story is that ? 

“we had a thing. which is no longer existing. do not try to change the topic.”

“you know what ? I’m exhausted of all this questioning. this is definitely not an easy thing but if all the paddock come one after the others to talk to me then I might think it’s really difficult.”

he slightly orientates the topic towards the informations the older receives. Who, when, where. not much people he hopes. Living a life so damn perfect he only wishes it stops.

“Seb is worried ‘bout ya, so am I. So are Daniil and Esteban.”

Great. two guys that know how to keep their mouths shut. and two guys he is more or less close of. that’s preferable. he prefers that than awkward speeches from older men he knows less.

“don’t give up. giving up is letting yourself dying piece by piece. you take your shit and you stick it together. and one day your grip will loosen but that will be okay because the pieces will stay glued.”

Daniel pats him on the back and he nods. he can’t tell him he doesn’t prevent time to heal. he doesn’t prevent anything in fact. just giving himself the best latest days he ever dream of. 

“do you still got things to do ? about the wedding I mean ?”

“well ... they asked my help about meals.”

“and may I help you with it ?”

he feels discouraged. Daniel seems to understand him somehow. 

i am probably masochist. but aren’t we all when we start to love ? because there is always painful moments in any relationship. it’s just love aches more than others.

“okay.”

* * *

Daniil doesn’t say anything when he sees him and that’s probably for the best. they sat next to each other, drinking some cheap alcohol he just found in one cupboard. 

they look at the skyline, in silence. he can hear the echoes of a party right behind them. again one. he feels so out of it, he doesn’t desire acting fake any longer.

“will you kill yourself ?”

i would like to say probably, he ponders. but it’s a big yes. how can I admit that everything’s planed and nobody still hasn’t suspected anything.

“what are you talking about ?”

“wedding. charles. your love. will you kill yourself ?”

he sighs. frustrating. because Daniil may be the one who understand him the most, the one he confesses the most to. because they are alike in so many ways he can’t even imagine a lie that would be credible.

“what do you think ?”

a smile taints the russian’s lips but it isn’t of joy.

“i think you already made your choice some times ago. I think it’s already all prepared, you got what you need to do so. and I think you will not be here to see the wedding.”

how a simple analyse can be so accurate ? he wonders if it is because Daniil already thought about, already tried. this wouldn’t be so unimaginable.

“it’s not my fault. I decide a date before they put theirs.” 

“aha. I see that. “

“you’re not gonna convince me to back up ?”

Lights illuminate their faces. it creates a good contrast. All lighten up when their mind are so dark. 

again irony of a moment. Charles so happy of giving him an invitation - after two years of serious dating with Max - and him realizing that it coincide exactly with the day he decided to kill himself. What a fate.

“that would be unnecessary.”

“how so ?”

His friend raises an eyebrow, not convinced at all by his words. Is he acting that bad right now ?

“you don’t believe it yourself. You know I wouldn’t be able to change your mind. You already settle everything. Not a single word of mine would be useful.”

He has a sad smile. When he said they understood each other perfectly ...

“i just hope you know what you’re doing and that you are prepared to it - because trying is hard but failing is way more difficult. Failing is facing people who trust you, who love you, and telling them straight you’re not okay, when you always told them everything was fine with a so damn perfect smile on your face.”

he experimented it before. it is what comes to his mind. sorrow. he will try not to fail. dying correctly, at least.

i would like to say probably. but that would be disrespecting you and the sincere friendship you brought me during those years. I know you understand me, I know you know. so i will be honest, with you at least.

“thanks for not trying to stop me.”

* * *

He knows he will have difficulties to deal with Esteban as soon as he sees him. they’ve known each other for long, they’ve got the same age. What can he say.

“Pieeeeerrre ! i’m glad I can see you.”

“Este. you’re fine ?”

“pretty much but we need to talk. Sérieusement.”

oh, great. here to give me a lesson too, like Seb or Daniel ? he wonders in his head. just hope you’re not as clever as Dany is.

a bit of french words. and he feels it like a joke but it’s true it’s their native language and will be forever.

“about what ?”

“i already knew you loved Charles. let’s be honest - you weren’t so discreet. but I thought ... I don’t know. I didn’t think you would suffer so much.”

“it’s okay.”

“No it’s not. And it shouldn’t be. No matter what you think, you have the right of suffering and being selfish and making bad decisions you could regret forever.”

a vivid glow is apparent in Esteban’s pupils. a mix of feelings. he can’t even catch them, they are passing by too quickly.

“you have the right of living. And the right of loving. Loving until you’re damn hurt, until you have completely pluck your wings. You have the right of loving in such a way you think you’re never gonna love again. “

this goes straight to his heart. And he never thought - he never thought the younger could say such words, such sentences. but it hits him.

“you have the right of telling him you love him and if he doesn’t love you back you have the right of crying and breaking. You have the right of getting out of his life, because he is hurting you.”

he wants Esteban to stop. this is the truth but at the same time it is not. if everything could be so easy ...

“You can go ahead and tell him. You don’t have to bear everything like that. Please.”

“I- ... I can’t.”

the light in his friend’s eyes ignites, of frustration, anger, sadness too. he recognizes this, in contrary of the emotions who has passed before.

“Of course you can.”

his own voice is hoarse.

“you don’t understand. I can’t let him down. i already said that and I will repeat it. I can’t let him down. I’m unable to do so.”

“Pierre …”

“I love him. At first I thought it would disappear but it didn’t and I tried and I tried and I tried so hard to live with it. So long. It doesn’t disappear.”

“But it’s love, Pierre. It’s a tragic irony. It’s always here in your heart, stuck forever, until it isn’t. Until you find someone else. Until you heal. “

healing ? the only word they speak, they have in mind. and what if he never heal? he doesn’t want to stay to find out. He want to be buried here, right now, with his feelings.

“I’m sorry to be selfish. But I won’t stop. I won’t tell him. Hors de question.”

“why ? why’s that …”

you aren’t as clever as Dany is. but you’re different, you understood me in a way they didn’t. and for that, thank you, Este. thanks. we shared a lot of things. C’est sincère. 

“Just let it go. Don’t mind about it.”

“I could not. It would be too difficult when a friend of mine is hurting.”

“but it is as it it. sorry.”

Esteban is in great reflexion and he leaves him with only a sad smile and an indistinct nod.

* * *

he wears the perfect costume.

A dark blue that reminds the color of his eyes. not very handful to move. he would do something for that later.

he wears the perfect costume.

alongside a perfect smile on his face he adjusts while looking in a mirror. he can’t do a single false step.

he wears the perfect costume.

when he arrives at the room where everything will happen. a lovely chapel, not so far from the beach.

he wears the perfect costume.

when he encounters Charles’s glance and goes to him, ready to serve him sweet little lies.

he wears the perfect costume.

the perfect mask’s settle on his face.

and he’s ready to end his day.

* * *

probably the hardest thing he’ll have to do. But lately he’s letting go of everything that is dear to him, it’s just another step of a drama movie.

He advances himself in the little room, passing through the door, calming his breathing - too fast. He know he can do it. He can face the one he loves without blinking, without falling apart, right on this lovely red carpet.

“charles ? can I tell you something ? just a few words.”

“of course”

Charles’s in front of him, in a costume that suits him a bit too well and he’s so beautiful he could cry because that’s all he ever wanted and all he will never have.

he hopes Max will treat him good and will love him as much as he did or he may as well come down from heaven to kick his ass.

“today’s gonna be a big day and you’re probably gonna be busy so I just wanted to speak to you a bit.”

my dearest one, my love, the lover of every single of my nights, the only man I will desire and cherish - forever.

“I love you sincerely, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. you count a lot to me, and all I want is nothing more than you living the life of your dreams. So be happy, be sad, be angry, enjoy every moment that’ll come afterwards and more than anything, don’t let anyone tell you who you are - because I know ... we know who you are, Charles Leclerc, and that’s the most important thing to remind you of. Thanks for everything. Merci d’être toi et merci d’avoir illuminé ma vie. Merci, Charlie.”

even the monegasque frowns, because this speech is a bit fatalistic. Good, unprepared, totally sincere. But fatalistic. That’s odds but that’s too late to realize anything.

“i’ll see you around ? there’s still things to do even right now.”

“Pierre …”

He doesn’t answer and he just leaves because that’s all he can do now and all he wants to do. Tears burn his eyes. He just waits to be out of sight to let it rolls down his cheeks. 

the sunshine of my darkest days, the treasure of my everlasting quest, l’amour de ma vie, farewell, my one and only.

* * *

the beach is cold.

there is no one near. it is late afternoon after all. he wonders who makes a wedding so late in a day.

the beach is cold.

waves are going and leaving right in front of him, it’s like a whisper. he likes the sea because it’s deep and calm and comforting in some way.

the beach is cold.

but monaco always has been a pretty city, even if he wasn’t so much at ease in it. he can’t erase the fact it’s pretty.

the beach is cold.

he lays down in the sand, feeling it slowly sags under him. he closes his eyes and waits.

the beach stays cold.

the waves keeps going and leaving.

and he just waits.

* * *

Daniil looks at people who are gathering around Pierre’s corpse. a sense of deja-vu. but he wasn’t looking at the scene, he was in it, he was the scene.

“leave him some space !” screams Daniel and he starts looking after the wound with Sebastian and Lewis while someone else is calling an ambulance. charles cries in a corner, without letting anyone close to him, not even Max.

poor him, he must be in big choc from seeing Pierre in such a state.

But poor Pierre too.

he doesn’t know what to say, how he should feel, so he just lets out a heavy sigh. A bit of sadness. he liked the frenchy a lot. he liked him because he reminded himself younger, but Pierre didn’t do the same mistakes he did. 

until now.

failing is hard. he already said it. your mind doesn’t forgive your failure. your body keeps the scars and you got to live everyday with it. a failure.

“what are you doing ?” asks Valtteri, frowning. “There is no more time to think. Not when this happen.”

He shakes his head before crossing the crowd, kneeling down close to Pierre.

“get away this oil or whatever you want to put on it. Keep leaning on the wound to stop the blood and avoid infections.”

the three men around him seem surprised but they do like he said. soon after, an ambulance enters the alley and comes for the wounded. 

Daniel goes with them quickly. in one second, the crowd dissipates. Charles looks at him with big eyes, tears still rolling down his face.

“you knew it, right ? you knew he wanted to kill himself and you didn’t do anything ?”

“what ?” steps in Max, “That’s ridiculous, Charlie, he doesn’t-”

“he wasn’t even surprised to find Pierre on this damn beach. i know they talked a lot together, he probably knew it.”

He bows his head, a light smile on his lips. cruel. he wouldn’t lie on such a topic.

“yes.”

“Why ?”

despair is so visible in the monegasque’s eyes. he is so tired of all of this. this is not his suicide attempt, he doesn’t have to defend it. but the fact that people can be so blind ... 

“Because I wouldn’t have convince him. He wouldn’t have listen me. He has made his mind. He probably hoped you would marry Max and would find him way after.”

“even so, you-”

“I nothing. Moreover, this situation is because of you.”

“Daniil !”

Sebastian shouts after him but he simply shrugs. there is a time to keep your mouth shut and a time to speak. now they have to speak.

“what ? It’s the truth. only the truth. you can have many reasons for wanting to die. thinking your life’s worth nothing, giving up on the only person you ever thought about are great examples.”

“Pierre ... loved Charles ?”

Max looks devastated. the illusion has just shattered and the couple seem to hold the pieces, astonished. 

“he loved me ? why didn’t he say anything ?”

Esteban stares at his hands, covered of blood, completely deaf to the calls Lance is giving to him. 

“kid, we’re going at the hospital, you come ?” asks Valtteri while putting a hand on his shoulder.

and the French nods, but still cannot believe he’s the one who discovered Pierre in this beach. Lance embraces him tightly. 

* * *

there is a lot of proceedings when Daniel arrives at the hospital but Pierre’s current state makes him a priority. he is taken away while the older man waits.

it’s hard.

it’s hard to accept the situation but it isn’t the time for him to be delusional. he needs to be totally aware of what happened and of the fact Pierre needs help.

but it’s still hard. seeing someone you know - or at least thought you know - lying in the sand, exposed arms, blood running from heavy cuts he made himself … he closes his eyes and the image stays. unforgettable.

some drivers slowly arrive. one after the others. 

“you okay ?” Max slips by his side and he passes a hand in his hair. the worst is he doesn’t know how to feel.

“i don’t think so.”

“...yeah. sorry for asking such a question. it was silly.”

“i don’t think you quite understand.”

how could the younger understand ? now he realizes what he really thought about the situation, it stays in his throat. 

he thought - he thought it could have been him. loving someone who doesn’t love you back, letting this feeling eating you alive and continuing to live no matter what. with a smile on your face. 

he served great speeches. he isn’t better. 

“what do you mean ?”

“nothing.”

“don’t say that. I have enough of secrets. Charles doesn’t even want me by his side right now even though he’s suffering ! we were supposed to marry today, but he still doesn’t trust me enough.”

some bargaining. he rolls his eyes. he’s not in the mood to bear those kind of resentments. he sighs. he knows what to do for Max to let go but does he really want to reopen that door?

“it’s an old story you know” he begins, with sarcasm, “a story that ended up two years ago, a story that left me with a broken heart unable to heal. that left me loving a man who doesn’t love me - anymore.”

it’s efficient. Max’s mouth is wide open for a few seconds before he closes it. but he stays silent. they stay silent. and from time to time, they stare in each other’s eyes.

two former lovers caught in their own world - a whole brand new world who is building itself on the ashes of the one they used to live in.

* * *

charles opens the door slowly. 

Pierre is laying in a white bed, too similar to position in which they found him. on this pale sand, this beach he remembers having played on when he was younger.

monaco doesn’t have the same meaning anymore to his eyes.

if his friend had die on this beach, he probably would have troubles in staying here without feeling hurt deep inside.

this is not his feelings, this wasn't his struggle. He feels so affected by it. no matter what he does, it’s the same and the same and the same image that stays stuck in his head.

“You should sit, Charlie” his voice is rough, he seems tired, exhausted, and however he still finds some force to smile at him.

it makes him feel even more miserable than before.

he does what has been asked to him.

“You don’t have anything to say to me ?” 

Two blue eyes. a gaze so familiar. one he never could detach himself from. something is off but, still, it’s Pierre who is looking at him. tears blurry his seeing.

“there is so much i wanted to tell you” he whispers softly, afraid that if he gets louder, the illusion will break and he will be back to the beach with the older still unconscious “i think i forget everything when i entered this room. mon dieu.”

“don’t say such things. you got nothing to blame yourself for.”

the hand of Pierre he is holding is warm. the light of the end of the day enters in. it illuminates his friend’s face from the most beautiful way. the end of a journey.

“j’aurais pu te perdre”

a confidence. hard to tell. he doesn’t know if what he says is correct. maybe he lets his heart speak.

“Pardonne-moi”

the beginning of another struggle. redemption? he doesn’t think such a thing exist but he still has hope. he has hope because Pierre failed. 

and for some people failing is hard, is unforgivable, but he prefers having that. he prefers failure which allows him to stay by his side a bit longer.

he holds Pierre’s hand and he waits for him to talk. he waits until he got a real idea of what he thinks of this situation, in the middle of this storm of feelings too complicated he wishes it finally stops. he waits for the sky to brighten and for them to fully heal. he waits and he waits and he waits. 

“it’s okay, we still got time”

he just waits.

**Author's Note:**

> Sérieusement : seriously  
> Hors de question : no way  
> Merci d'être toi et d'avoir illuminé ma vie : Thanks for being you and for lighting up my life  
> Merci, Charlie : Thanks, Charlie  
> l'amour de ma vie : the love of my life  
> mon dieu : my god  
> j'aurais pu te perdre : i could have lost you  
> pardonne-moi : forgive me
> 
> it was just on my mind since some times ago ... i saw too much pairing charles/pierre alongside max/charles and it mays comport language mistakes but i'm a bit too tired to check it another time xD  
> what can i say ... i wrote everything on my phone's note but then i realize i didn't get a single idea about the ending. i wanted something soft, sweet, because the whole writing was on a heavy subjet, i hope i succeed in giving this feeling.  
> this is the worst, i feel a bit bad about giving Pierre such a hard story ... but i needed it somehow. talking about fake smiles, about how someone can have the will of being there for his friend, even if he suffers of it in the end.  
> what did you think of the end ? of the whole work ?  
> i hope you enjoyed it at least !


End file.
